been good.. now bad..

am i good? or bad? gotcha! been a good boy before with no marks of being a bad guy. but now is a totally different story.

the good side of me:
im mabaet naman before. my lola was my guardian, though i have a father. pero he has his own second family three years after my mom died. we're not rich nor poor as i say. kasi we eat naman three times a day. and the life before was totally different with the life that we experience nowadays (im talking in general - mahal na lahat ngaun pati bigas my krisis). okay. im so grateful to my lola na she taught me a lot of things. kahit personality wise, it really help me even today. what kind of son i was before? takot akong gumawa ng mali. my takot ako sa loob ng katawan na everytime i did something wrong there is an equal punishment. my mali lang akong masulat sa notebook ko during elementary days, my father scolded me for the small thing that ive done wrong. when he saw me playing, he will asked me why am i playing, and will ask me if i dont have an assigment to do? blah blah.. and of course, before i play ive already did my part. i know my resposibility. mabaet ako kung sa mabaet dati. like i am always on the right side. on the top list. with good people and friends sorrounding me, people that will not do wrong but always good. baet ko no? of course my takot pag gumawa ng mali.

but with this kind of life that i had, i have grudges. i have anger in my heart. im trying to release and forget it, but im only human that it cant be easily remove from my system.

with all the medals and the recognition that i received during elementary days was not enough to make him proud of what ive achieved and never did i remember that he said to me na he is proud of my achievement. im always on my own and my lola. i even remembered during my elementary graduation, my tita pa who bought my clothes and prepared it for me. *grudges attack.. hahaha..

i graduated third honor in elementary - thanks to one point advantage. i enrolled myself in high school all through out from first year to fourth year. and i stayed and maintain my grades to be in section one. i enrolled myself in a public high school because when i went to the private school and inquire slashed ready to enroll myself i forgot my card in elementary which is their requirement. and good thing though i dont feel good about the school cause there is two man smoking in front of the gate. as a freshman it gave me a bad image and reputation of the school. i just followed my cousin in a public high school. bad thing though is that im not anymore in the top five, nor in the top ten. i dont know. hahaha.. but i do know in myself that i am in the top 20 percent of the class. hahaha.. my nakita kaya akong paper na pang eleven ako.. nyahahhaa.. pero it makes me feel bad kasi parang im so bobo na that time,. but i do accept the fact na its not my time and its just okay, i told myself.

college - i went to Columban College for a year and a half to study Computer Science and then i asked my tita to tell my father to let me go and study in the Metro and live with my cousin whom i can say have a more stable life. it was a hard time asking for that thing cause i know he wont let me go for a fact that i dont know. even before i went to college i already asked him to allow me to go to Manila to earn my college degree, but to no avail. FINE.. binabagsak ko na nga exam ko eh. pero ayaw pa din ni God. ito namang Columban sabi ko ComSci kukunin ko, sabi ba naman mag Engineering daw ako dahil pasok ang entrance exam result ko sa course na un.. Pede ba, pede ba.. okay.. i took the course for a year and a half and then the time came na pumayag na rin ang dakila kong ama na sa Maynila ko na ipagpatuloy ang college ko..

Manila - hindi ako ang naghanap ng school ko, its my cousin na guy. he was the one na nanguha ng mga brochure and of course kung san macredit ung mga natake ko ng subjects. and one thing, university is a BIG NO NO! why? because of the ROTC! seryoso! kaya ayoko ng university is dahil jan sa lecheng ROTC na yan.. di kaya ako makanood ng 5 and up pag linggo dahil sa subject na yan! hahaha.. and nangingitim na ko.. too bad for me.

so sa STI ako napadpad. ok naman. i continued my study in STI with the same course. dito ko na feel na i can do it. na i have something inside and the capability to stand on my own and above the rest. ngek. bakit my ganun?! hahaha.. wala lang.. sa STI ko naregain ung negative zero self-esteem ko and ung confidence level ko. i just feel proud when i got good grades and of course high scores on my exams. but i keep it to myself. after two years of studying in Manila, dun lang ako kinumusta ng tatay ko.. kamusta naman un? but dont you worry i dont feel that i do have a father, because since then i feel that i am alone in this game called life but of course with my lola.

years passed and 2005 came. i graduated college with honors. pero seriously speaking i dont know that im running for laude. kasi nasa school lang ako pag my klase ako, ganun lang. but thanks to all my professors who believe in me. especially Ma'am Alley Dioso - our Dean and para ko na ring nanay. she gave me advises and she knows my story.

ung tatay ko i cant remember if he text me that time. not sure na. basta ang sabi ko, pag pumunta cya sa graduation ko di ako aakyat ng stage, cya kumuha ng medal ko mag isa. hahaha.. now im turning into a bad person. its just the start of all.

i went here sa US last year ng di nagpapa alam sa kanya cause i dont feel the need to do that. right after my lola died, i feel like i am alone and its only me in this world. thats the effect of teaching your son the word - INDEPENDENT.

yes. I live my life now INDEPENDENTLY. hindi na ko nakikitira sa mga kamag anak ko right after they told me bad words na i feel i dont deserve cause i did not do anything wrong for them to react like that. they bad mouthed me but yet i keep my silence. i dont feel the urge to explain cause maybe im just tired of explaining myself cause in the end it is still their mind who will prevail on what they wanted to think about me.

BAD edward. yes i am bad now. wala na kong pamilya. di na ko nagpaparamdam sa knila. im living with my friends. i pay for my food, my space. lahat ako na. and i feel like it should be. this is the life that i want. the FREEDOM that i never had. the FEAR that i have is lost. cause i feel that i have the POWER now to conquer everything. that i can do anything.

my family on my mother side is fine. i have a good relationship with them pa rin naman since i am the first apo and they know the whole story and the reason why i feel and act like this nowadays.

i miss my LOLA. sobra! she is the only person that can understand and accept me for whatever things i do. right or wrong. it is from her where i feel i was loved. not on my own father or brothers. it was only HER. i know na she protect and guide me everyday. pero i MISS her na sobra. if she is only alive at this moment wherein i regain myself and on this status, im gonna let her feel that im so thankful for all the things that she did to me when i was still a little edward. im gonna give her everything without asking. 'La miss na kita.. :(

BAD - i am a BAD person now to my family and i dont care. Really. I will let other people think whatever they want to think about me. I cant control their mind.

My father said before nung maglalayas ako ( i was in grade two that time):
"Just make sure when he leave this house, he brings all his stuff!".
- little did he know that i heard this? and what is the effect of this words to the mind of a little child?

i came to a point in my life where i wanna end my journey. i wanna kill myself. i wanna END my LIFE. nakalapat na nga ang cutter sa wrist ko eh. but thank you kay God. i realize na its not worth it. i just let them win. na i proved to them that i am nothing.

mas close ung relationship ko kay God at this point in my life, because He is the one always there for me aside from my lola.

Thankful ako sa kung anong meron ako ngaun at kung nasang estado man ako ng buhay ko. I dont care with what other people think of me. if you think that i am over confident and too mayabang, i dont care if youre not my friend.

At the end, it is still between ME and my LORD GOD. Thank You God for everything.
For protecting me and guiding me. For lending to me these talents that i use in my life. :)

sa mga taong nakasakit sa kin, im trying to erase and remove the anger and grudges in my heart. but as ive said im only human. TIME will heal WOUNDS.


at the moment, im just enjoying my life and living it up to the fullest! GodBless!


Gem said...

conyo hah... hehe:))

anyway, just happen to pass by... God is good...