when it rain it pours.

when god give you a problem, how will you take it? its been so long since my last post. and the reason behind that is im not in a normal state nowadays. problems are pouring into me again. im the happy go lucky type of guy as they say. i take life as an easy journey. a light path. but i handle it with care and with responsibility. god is my saviour. my bestfriend. and with the situation i have right now, i want to talk to god in the church. spend half day talking to Him. i also wanna cry. release all these emotions. im not perfect. im just a human. i also have my limitations of handling things.

when you think of the problems that i have right now - family and office - its a hard feelings. sobrang bigat. when you think of it, parang sasabihin mo na "i want to quit". i want an end to all of these things. but how? when? i dont know.

one realization has come to me today. but i cannot divulge that realization to all of you. things will never be the same again from now on.

utang na loob. its so hard when you have one. as what jologsqueen told me, "mahirap ang may utang na loob, hanggang mamamatay ka isusumbat sa iyo yan".

yeah right ate ja. it will come right in front of your face one day. and this is the day for me. i was slammed with it twice. once in the living room with house guests and maids, imagine me being pushed down in front of those people. i never said a word. those things are sinking in my mind right now. and i dont like it. its so hard to be in this position. Money really makes the world go round.

the second time was inside the room. it hit me again. and was told in front of me. was the feeling different from the first? no. it is just the same. i know that i also made a wrong move. a wrong decision with the past few days. such a hard headed guy.

and this one, hindi "daw" sumbat about what happened before here inside sa house. but if you analyze it, all things have been said. from the very start. from what they did to me till the end. hindi ba sumbat na matatawag iyon? i wont take it as against them but ganun rin naman un right? sumbat pa rin iyon sa iyo. but i never said a word.

i went to my tita in the province without them knowing. its my fault. i know. but did they find me or text me about my whereabouts? nope. never even a single text message. funny. tsk tsk. when i was in america, they were looking for me. but they knew that i will be staying there for months. whats the difference? they need a money before. hay, so many revelations. so many bad happenings.

inside the room, the second time i heard my sermon i said that i will not be going home everyday cause i rented a house/condo in makati with my officemates. so what did she said? bahala ka, ikaw naman ang nagdedesisyon. wala ka ng pakialam. ok.

within the words that have been said, you can sense na there is panghihinayang na pinag aral ka. and the outcome would be like this. why? they told me that they wasnt expecting in return for what they did, but ano ba nangyayari now? hindi ba dun din tau humahantong? funny. kahit iiwas natin at magpakalinis tau, dun at dun pa rin ang bagsak nun.

now, what is my plan? well, just continue your life as it was before. live a simple life with simple person. na hindi sinasamba ang pera. why do i talk like these? nararamdam ko.

and also this one, kaya daw nilang kausapin ung mga boss ko. pipigain at pipigain nila ako. imagine that? they can ruin other people life just to get even and when they did not get what they want. but i expect these things to happen. thats life. i must go on.

now i dont know if i can or im willing to go home on weekend. with all this things? nah. need to think very comprehensively.

and last thing, and hirap magbayad ng tuition ng kapatid. bakit kasi my mga magulang na hindi responsable? ewan! naiinis ako sa sarili ko. masama mang isipin at kasalanan sa diyos but i want to end all of these things happening to me. in any way it could. even taking my life. :(


Virginia said...

ang lungkot naman...

brVinceFMS said...

have courage, edward....

kyels said...

Kuya, don't even think 'bout taking your life, ayt?

You will be fine and find the courage within yourself, I am sure you'd be able to do that ... If ya need my support as a pal, I'm here!


k@tie said...

ei.. cheer up.. i know exactly how you feel but don't worry, everything's gonna be alright. if you need to talk, i'll just be here.. tara gimik na to! hehe! :)

ate jown said...

When you find it hard to pray..pray harder..you don't have the power to change things (or people for this matter) but God can. Let go and give it all to Him. Smile :) Jesus loves you!

JoLoGs QuEeN said...

d ba nga life is unfair, and it will never be fair, lagi naman ganun pag may problem tayo ang lagi natin nasasabi bat ako, bat sakin nangyari, we always asks... pero at the end of the day magugulat ka kasi nasolve mo na rin ung problem mo.

mahirap talaga magkaroon ng utang na loob iyan ang isang bagay na habang buhay mo babayaran pero may hangganan din ang lahat kung hindi ngaun kelan pa d b?

lahat naman sa umpisa lang mahirap pero later matatanggap din nila un baket wala ka bang karapatan mag decide para sa sarili mo? at xempre kung ano mang nangyayari sa buhay mo lagi mong tandaan na may choice ka palagi, there is no such thing as "no choice eh" so kung ano man ung piliin mo take full responsibility and take it as a man.

anu ba yan seriousness na ito ^_^
basta don't forget be cheerful and strive to be happy ^_^

lazarus said...

When one gives you a favor, it is somewhat expected that someday, you have to return that favor.

After I graduated, I was expected to help my parents pay for my younger sis' tuition. I did it willingfully, though at my own terms. But I believe that, whatever the amount I give, it won't be enough to repay the kindness done to me.

But the favor bank is not an excuse for future extortion.