serious talk - L.O.V.E.

it takes a long time before i finally made an entry about this topic. i never tell a story about this one. and on this entry, i will divulge the information that i keep and judge me the way you understand and feel it.

living on earth for around 22 years, i never had a girlfriend. some people dont believe me. its pretty hard to tell them that i havent and its a fact. they told me for some obvious reason why they dont believe me. i dont look bad. okay. but thats not the only criteria or the factor of having a girlfriend. but one time, i told my friend "look at those people who are not goodlooking, they are happy with their love life, but look at us?". its just an statement and just an ordinary conversation between friends. ( its so hard to think about this one, im making a heavy sigh right after one sentence).

some peole say that life isnt perfect. that you can't have everything. well, yah. you can be successful on your career but there will be still missing. i excelled in my academics, and graduated with flying colors. my friends told me that i am the perfect guy. but what they dont know is that, my self steem is low. i dont believe myself that much. is it my God who lend those wisdom to me. and those God given talents, if i may have.

"i can easily fall in love and can easily fall out of love."

my friends back in 3rd year collage played with my emotions. since i was focused on my studies and some activities, my only way of escape to the other world is through my phone. a simple text or call will do. and through that device, it became an instrument for me to have a much deeper feelings to a girl named "Sam". i always express what i feel, most of the time. and that kind of emotion is one thing that im so blunt. i tell her that i want her to be part of my life. that i wanna see her. and not just hearing her voice. and at that point in my life i realized, why are so many people become crazy when it comes to love. at that time, Sam told me that she will be leaving for the US. and that idea makes me cry. its very seldom that i cry. and the idea taht when you found someone, that someone is the person you wanna share your life with, will be lost. and at that moment in my life, i told her that i will just be here and will be waiting for her till she come back for the next two years. ( i cant believe myself that i said those words, imagine how im so deeply in love at that time). i cried for her 3 times. no one from our house knew that i cried in between of my pillows in the night. and then, after two weeks, my friend told me that shes going to say something, and my instincts is true. the girl is not true. the girl exists but with different personality and different persona. and the girl that i called and text is the cousin of my friend. i dont know what they are trying to prove. and that situation passed. i kept myself busy with my studies and work, i also have another set of friends. and that semester was the very best semester in my college life. i got 3 flat 1's and 1 1.75 is my lowest grade.

the issue between me and my friends are now over. we are now civil to each other. but as a LEO, "forgive but never forgets." i forgive them for what have they done to me but the idea will still remain in my mind.

2 years passed...

i am now working, in a good company. practicing my craft as a programmer. on this year 2006, i met another woman who catch my heart. whom i fall in love. in may 2006, i saw her profile in friendster, add her up and then she accepted it. i even added her YM id in my messenger which she also added my name in her list. our first chat was on May 8, it lasted for 3 hours. getting her mobile number was another trial. making use of what she earned in BS Stat, getting her number was a puzzle. answer portion. she gave questions and i gave my answer. and yah, i got her number. that was the start of all. i even have her pic. for the first week, it was okay. its just like the feeling is mutual. that we settled a date for us to say hi to each other personally.

the feeling is different. i can say taht i am in love. and that was not just pure admiration. i feel it in my heart. my heart says different from what is my brain is working on. i wanted her to be a part of me. part of my life. im being honest with her. telling all the things and where im going, now i know what MU means. literally. but for some reason, relationship needs to be a two way street. its a give and take. sometimes, i didnt receive a reply from her. and i dont have the right to ask why, cause im not her boyfriend.

once, i told her that one time that a girl told me that she loved me. even that thing that i know she will get mad at me, im being honest. i just wanna show to her that im for real. and i have my inhibitions on the so called "relationship". i know that something is holding me on to give it all. i dont know who i am to her. even if she tell me she love me, i cant tell her back that i really really loved her. that i wanna embrace her, to hug her so tight.

our communication was cut because of my attitude. i am sometimes a hard headed guy. that when i want something, i want that something to achieved. and that thing is to see her. i told her almost everyday taht i wanna see her, but she refused. and that came a point that i gave up. our communication was lost.

and then, again. i text her. how shes doing. and it goes the same way as before. i know that the reasons she gave to me why she doesnt want to meet me is fair enough., but its just that i cant help myself asking to see her.

i know that deep inside i was in love. falling in love to a girl that i never met in person. a girl whom i never talk to. yes. we never talk. its just that pure text, online chats. tahts our communication.

and lately, my agressiveness attacked me again. i asked her again who i am to her knowing the answer to that question i asked before - a special friend. and as the conversation goes,. it came to a point wherein she replied " ur doing all of this because its ur choice, she doesnt want me to come to a point wherein im gonna blame her for the heartaches, na im gonna tell her na pinaasa nya lang ako".

and at that reply, it just like im awaken. and i said sorry. at that night, i wanna cry, to let go of my emotions. to clean myself from those emotions. and to be free again and back to normal and be cerebral again.

i asked my kuya "kuya bjourn", about this and tell me reasons and his opinions about this topic. and i can say that he is correct in some ways. but what i said is that, "iba ang sinisigaw ng puso sa sinasabi ng isip".

and its so hard. i wanna let go of the feelings and just continue with my life. as they say, some people will back to you if they are really yours. i dont know what to do just to prove that my love is true. that my intention is pure. its just taht im being honest with my emotion.

to that girl. you know who you are. just take care of yourself. i dont really know what to do. what to believe in. am i just dreaming of it?

i asked God before about this. and dont know if you are the one. or another heartache that i will bear to make me stronger.

Lastly, to Kyrish. I LOVE YOU.


abel said...

aaah, the sweetness and complexities of love

kyels said...

Love is complex yet sweet at the same time ... I'm in such a situation too ... Love is painful, and I just wanna let go sometimes, really.


Ka said...

Worry not my friend. As it is written:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Anonymous said...

To the blogger...
I saw your entry and it triggered me to post a comment about it, something na i really am not used to... David, marami sa mundong ginagalawan natin ang mahirap bigyan ng paliwanag... lalo na ang kakayahan ng mga hayop, kabilang tayong mga tao na humubog ng isang indibidwal sa pamamagitan ng kanyang mga pinagdaanan sa buhay... tulad ng isang agila na kung itatatak mo sa mura nitong isipan na siya ay isang manok, ay di kailan man maghahangad ang makalipad katulad ng kanyang mga tunay na kauri... Gaya din ng iyong pinagdadaanan at ng babaeng iyong tinutukoy... Marahil sa inyong pagtahak sa landasin ng buhay, may mga panahon na masasabi ninyong naging marahas ang tadhana... na nag-iwan ng mga bakas na lumikha ng matinding takot sa inyong kaloob-looban. marahil masasabi nga nating kabaliwan ang umibig sa isang taong hindi mo pa nakikita pero yan ang pag-ibig. Hindi mo kailan man naging kasalanan ang umibig ka, marahil naging mahirap lamang sa inyong dalawa ang kumapit sa isa't-isa dahil na rin sa prinsipyong inyong pinanghahawakan... bawat tao ay may indibidwal na paniniwala na marapat nating igalang kahit pa sabihing nakasasakit ito ng kapwa niya tao... dahil sa kanyang sariling pananaw ito ay nakabubuti sa kanya... Hindi ko sinasabing intindihin mo na lamang sya.. dahil nararamdaman ko sa iyong entry na labis kang nasasaktan... Ngunit, ito ang sinasabi ko sayo... sa pag-ibig hindi marapat na ibigay mo ang lahat... sa bilang na isang daan, ilaan mo ang iilang bahagi para sa taong iyon...
Ikaw lamang at ikaw lang magmamahal sa sarili mo sa bandang huli...
At para sa babaeng iyon... bakit di mo alamin o ungkatin ang tunay na dahilan ng kanyang pagtanggi sa iyo?
Kung tunay mong mahal ang isang tao, marapat na unawain mo sya... oo, kahit masakit. RESPETO. para sa anumang pinaniniwalaan niya. Sionasabi ko sayo... ang sakripisyo mo ay magbubunga rin. Patas tumingin ang Maykapal... at kung marapatin niya na maging kayo ay mainam, kung hindi... sanay maging mabuti kayong magkaibigan... Alam na magiging masaya sya para sayo... lalot kung dumating na ang araw na makilala mo ang babaeng nararapat talaga para sayo....